kitsjay: (Holding Pumpkin)
My mother is an extroverted hypochondriac; she doesn't just diagnose herself, she diagnoses everyone around her. According to her, Sean is borderline autistic ("No, Mom," I try to explain patiently to her, "he's just really smart and has bad social skills"), Chris is OCD (which... I'll give her that one), and mine changes every month. Talking on the phone with her is like playing diagnosis roulette.

And she ensnares you! You'll be having a pleasant conversation with her, that goes something like this:

MOM: So, what are you up to?
ME: Oh, just studying, having a glass of wine.
MOM: (clucks her tongue and sighs heavily) You know.

And that is the sign. That is the sound of the trap closing behind you, and there's no way out. You just have to bulldoze through it and wait for her to release you into the wild again.

MOM: Drinking alone isn't a good sign...
ME: It's a glass of wine, Mom. I'm good.
MOM: I just worry about you.

So you get used to it, and you're prepared, and then she changes things up on you so that she can capture you again in her clutches.

MOM: So what are you up to?
ME: Oh, I'm at the coffee shop, studying.
MOM: What are you having?
ME: (thinking) Aha, I know what's she going for! I shall thwart her!
ME: (aloud) Oh, just a cup of coffee.
MOM: Is that all?
ME: Yup. Just coffee. Just one cup of coffee, that's it.
MOM: (clucks her tongue and sighs heavily) You know.
ME: (giving up) What, Mom? What do I know?
MOM: It's just... you should eat more regularly. You're beautiful, you know that?
ME: ... I don't have an eating disorder, Mom.
MOM: I just worry about you.

I don't know why it's so hard for her to believe that she has, in fact, managed to raise four well-adjusted children. If it weren't so hilarious, I think I might be offended.
kitsjay: (leaf)
Last post was depressing, so here's a bit of random fun to brighten your day:

I was explaining to Mom the finer points of Shag, Marry, and Throw Off a Cliff when I was met with silence. I thought I had finally reached that critical point where it was just too much for even my mom when she turned towards me and said, "So, Kirk, Spock, and McCoy?"


My mom also renamed it: Shag, Bag, and Gag.



While on the way to Transformers last night waiting at a light next to a car with two chicks in it, Chris and Wes were recalling some of their glory days when they once missed their exit trying to keep up with a car full of hot girls.

Stef said, "You know, your mom said that I was naive, and that men only have two things on their minds: sex and food. So I said, 'So, what, I assume they're always thinking about food?' Your dad about died laughing."

There was a pause, then Rachael spoke up. "They weren't that great."

"Sex and food?" I quipped.

"The girls," Rachael said laughing.

"Well, I have a lot of experience with one of those, and I hear the other is great." I waited a beat. "I can't wait to try escargot."



In which our hero, Kitty, has a revelation about the movie Tranformers. Mild spoilers. QWP. )



Stef was a bridesmaid at a wedding recently, and Mom and Uncle John tried convincing her to go to the after-wedding dance.

"Come on, Stef, wear your bridesmaids dress, all the cowboys would be sitting next to you. Cowboys like shiny things," Uncle John said jokingly.

"No, they'd be around her because cowboys like cheap things," Mom said.

Stef said she considered her comeback, but said it anyway because she knew my mom would say it given the chance. "So, that explains Uncle Stan marrying you, then, right?"
kitsjay: (leaf)
I just finished watching The Prestige with Mom and Dad.

For those of you who don't know, it's a movie starring Christian Bale and Hugh Jackman as rival magicians who are in a constant competition to learn each other's secrets.

Incredibly good, but my mother and I had the following exchange during it:

MOM: That guy [Christian Bale] looks like... Batman.

ME: It is Batman.

MOM: Oh. Is the other guy somebody?

ME: Yes. He's Hugh Jackman. You know, Wolverine?

MOM: Oh! So Batman is on trial for killing Wolverine?

ME: .... yes.

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kitsjay

January 2014

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