Fangs for the Memories
May. 8th, 2007 02:06 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kitsjayHe picked up a silver cross and put his hands together in a saint-like manner.
"What do you think?" he asked. She turned and arched one eyebrow, then went back to cleaning out the backseat without saying a word. He tossed the crucifix to the other side of the car, then dropped himself sideways into the front seat.
"So what exactly do I need to know about vampires? Are they really scared of crosses, saying the Lord's prayer, all that jazz?"
She let out an indelicate snort. "No. Most of what you know about vampires is made up, years of Bram Stoker's influence corrupting people's minds with untrue legends."
"What is true?"
"Well, for one, that thing about inviting."
"Oh!" He nodded with sudden wisdom. "Sure, you have to invite a vampire into your home, or they can't come in."
"No."
"No?"
She shook her head. "It's the other way around. In order for them to bite you, they have to invite you into their home."
"Why wouldn't they?"
"That's another thing. Vampires? Are very, very dumb. Think what you would get if a pack of werewolves inbred with each other for thousands of years, minus the fur and full moon junk."
"Wow," he said, letting out a low whistle. "What else?"
"Well, the running water is true, but only because they're hydrophobic. If you drop water, any water not even holy stuff, they get queasy."
"You're serious?"
"Dead serious."
He winced at the pun. "What about how they're supposed to be charming and stuff? They can mesmerize humans and put a kind of hypnosis over them, right?"
She rolled her eyes heavenward. "Oh, damn you, Bela Lugosi. I know you're laughing up there."
"I'm guessing that's not true?"
"The opposite. But worse, that one's affected the vampires themselves, so they actually believe it. I cannot tell you how annoying it is to have one of these things trying out his latest pick-up lines while you're trying to drive a stake through its heart."
"What usually works?"
"Well, normally I say, 'There's a very slim chance of me dating you, less than 1%. I give you this much because sometime in the future, I may be struck by a rock and have temporary amnesia wherein I would lose all semblance of character, memory, personality and any claims to good taste that I currently have. If this should happen, you might be able to chloroform me into submission, club me over the head, then drag me by my unconscious limbs to the outside of a restaurant before I recover enough to send you to hell. In other words, I wouldn't bet on it.' "
"Soo... I was actually referring to the staking bit. How you kill them, you know."
She blinked in surprise. "Oh. Yeah, staking works. Pretty effective. Beheading, too. Actually beheading is a pretty good guess for everything but a hydra."
"Do those things really exist?" he stared in horrified fascination.
"God, you're gullible, aren't you?"
"What do you think?" he asked. She turned and arched one eyebrow, then went back to cleaning out the backseat without saying a word. He tossed the crucifix to the other side of the car, then dropped himself sideways into the front seat.
"So what exactly do I need to know about vampires? Are they really scared of crosses, saying the Lord's prayer, all that jazz?"
She let out an indelicate snort. "No. Most of what you know about vampires is made up, years of Bram Stoker's influence corrupting people's minds with untrue legends."
"What is true?"
"Well, for one, that thing about inviting."
"Oh!" He nodded with sudden wisdom. "Sure, you have to invite a vampire into your home, or they can't come in."
"No."
"No?"
She shook her head. "It's the other way around. In order for them to bite you, they have to invite you into their home."
"Why wouldn't they?"
"That's another thing. Vampires? Are very, very dumb. Think what you would get if a pack of werewolves inbred with each other for thousands of years, minus the fur and full moon junk."
"Wow," he said, letting out a low whistle. "What else?"
"Well, the running water is true, but only because they're hydrophobic. If you drop water, any water not even holy stuff, they get queasy."
"You're serious?"
"Dead serious."
He winced at the pun. "What about how they're supposed to be charming and stuff? They can mesmerize humans and put a kind of hypnosis over them, right?"
She rolled her eyes heavenward. "Oh, damn you, Bela Lugosi. I know you're laughing up there."
"I'm guessing that's not true?"
"The opposite. But worse, that one's affected the vampires themselves, so they actually believe it. I cannot tell you how annoying it is to have one of these things trying out his latest pick-up lines while you're trying to drive a stake through its heart."
"What usually works?"
"Well, normally I say, 'There's a very slim chance of me dating you, less than 1%. I give you this much because sometime in the future, I may be struck by a rock and have temporary amnesia wherein I would lose all semblance of character, memory, personality and any claims to good taste that I currently have. If this should happen, you might be able to chloroform me into submission, club me over the head, then drag me by my unconscious limbs to the outside of a restaurant before I recover enough to send you to hell. In other words, I wouldn't bet on it.' "
"Soo... I was actually referring to the staking bit. How you kill them, you know."
She blinked in surprise. "Oh. Yeah, staking works. Pretty effective. Beheading, too. Actually beheading is a pretty good guess for everything but a hydra."
"Do those things really exist?" he stared in horrified fascination.
"God, you're gullible, aren't you?"
