Being a plantie geek myself, I'd probably be just as bad nattering away about plants with your Dad! (And yes, if you look at my pix, you'll see how much I like rock formations too..) Anyway, I think he needs to give away the tell about the snake at that "him", so we're not confused whether he's talking about the other guy or not. Instead of him, say, "I didn't wan to step on it..." Maybe rethink that para, break it up? As for the ending, that was okay for me. I'm used to oral-based stories ending softly (rather than with a bang) and then somebody else picks up another story. This also might feel more comfortable to him, this is the way works better when he tells it. It cetainly wouldn't hurt the story if he tries telling it out loud again, after redoing it slightly? Bang=a carefully composed short story where you want a strong hook for the next chapter/story, for instance. But one way to make it stronger would be to bring down that comment about his buddy having enough sense to pour water out of a boot, or something like that.
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Re: I'm so glad you liked it! :))
Date: 2010-02-22 03:40 am (UTC)Anyway, I think he needs to give away the tell about the snake at that "him", so we're not confused whether he's talking about the other guy or not. Instead of him, say, "I didn't wan to step on it..." Maybe rethink that para, break it up?
As for the ending, that was okay for me. I'm used to oral-based stories ending softly (rather than with a bang) and then somebody else picks up another story. This also might feel more comfortable to him, this is the way works better when he tells it. It cetainly wouldn't hurt the story if he tries telling it out loud again, after redoing it slightly?
Bang=a carefully composed short story where you want a strong hook for the next chapter/story, for instance. But one way to make it stronger would be to bring down that comment about his buddy having enough sense to pour water out of a boot, or something like that.