I liked this story! It was funny and it does remind me of my father's stories as well. I was a bit confused with the timeline at the beginning of the story. He talks about getting a call from Tom, then talks about the surrounding landscape and how he likes playing around in it, and then gets back to the phone call. I think one option would be starting the whole thing with the "I was laying in bed, sweating . . ." and then bringing all the description of Tom's penchant for being outside and the description of the surrounding area, etc. in after that. Past that point, where he finds his clothes and meets his friend, it all reads very smoothly (other than the "him" being the snake that was confusing to me as someone else already mentioned) and is a great read. The actual closing line of the story: Maybe trying to smoke that rattler out wasn't the smartest idea he'd ever had, but the speed with which he decided to get out of there seemed like one of his better decisions, and one I was in wholehearted agreement on. actually detracts from the humor of the part about pouring water out of boot. We already know this information given in this line and it isn't a great finish. I would suggest just ending it at the "boot" and letting everyone else realize on their own that it was a smart plan. Anyway just my thoughts. Very enjoyable all around and he should definitely keep writing. Let us know what happens because I have a kindle and I would download stories like this.
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Date: 2010-02-22 06:08 pm (UTC)Maybe trying to smoke that rattler out wasn't the smartest idea he'd ever had, but the speed with which he decided to get out of there seemed like one of his better decisions, and one I was in wholehearted agreement on. actually detracts from the humor of the part about pouring water out of boot. We already know this information given in this line and it isn't a great finish. I would suggest just ending it at the "boot" and letting everyone else realize on their own that it was a smart plan. Anyway just my thoughts. Very enjoyable all around and he should definitely keep writing. Let us know what happens because I have a kindle and I would download stories like this.